I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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