You smell like a Billy Joel song
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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