My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
