stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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