Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
