Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
