I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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