I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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