I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
