WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
