He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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