The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
