this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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