Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
