Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
