Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
