I'm lost and stupid without you.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
