The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
