I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
