just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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