Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
