I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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