in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
