I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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