Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Someone came in the potted fern
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
