i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
