she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
