why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
