my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
