oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
