All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
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