sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
