My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
