Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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