I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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