Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
