im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
