If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
