Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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