i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
