Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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