8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
