Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
