What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
