I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Randomize
