We're like a lot better than the average bears
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Randomize
