Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
