How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
My liver just broke up with me...
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
