I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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