I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
